Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
