I wish you could order shots online.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
