I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
