Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
