Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
