I haven't been this sober since birth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
