The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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