Please, let me fuck your mom
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
