The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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