i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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