this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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