I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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