I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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