tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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