Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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