I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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