1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
