i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
