mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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