did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
