Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
