When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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