He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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