Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
