Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
