found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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