I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
