I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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