its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
