If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
