I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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