Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My cat gives me a boner
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you inspire me to be a worse person
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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