I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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