Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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