i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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