My cat gives me a boner
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
