Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
