This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
