i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
