I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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