Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize