Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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