yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
