My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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