I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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