Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
