Apparently you make a good broom.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
