Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
