Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
