I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
