His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Randomize
