the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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