I accidentally burped into my bong.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
