On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
being pregnant is like rehab
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
