i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
