2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I want her autograph on my taint
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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