Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
