he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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