I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
