we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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