Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
