Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
