So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
