filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
