hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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