My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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